Fear, Pressure and a Reactive Nature
Through the years, I have tried to understand why
getting one's own way is so difficult, whether
within a family or with others in a shared professional
world. While each situation is unique, I have come
to believe that the primary reason for a relative
lack of success in negotiation stems from our own
reactive natures. This means that we often exacerbate
disagreements by pushing the other party further
away because we take the disagreement personally.
Very few of us are able to escape from the limiting
influence that pressure causes when we are working
through the challenges put before us on a daily basis.
For those who would like to improve their process
and are open to look at their own reactions to the
people they work with and against, I believe that
there are always going to be new and exciting discoveries
that will lead to more productive negotiations.
For those who would prefer to hide from their own
fears and stay rooted in their own reactive nature,
I believe that the only thing that they can look
forward to are variations on the familiar themes
of disappointment, discomfort and frustration in
the pursuit of life's rewards.
Some lessons in life are so good
We just insist on learning them over and over again.
Self-awareness and Self-interest
Perhaps the greatest obstacle to negotiating from
a perspective of strength is our resistance to facing
our own limitations and reactions to fear and pressure.
While it is often true that the other party puts
a lot of effort into the job of creating doubt in
our heads about the strength of our own position,
much of the doubt is self-imposed. We need to take
responsibility for that self-imposed aspect of our
own doubt.
In a negotiation, we overcome the doubts by knowing
clearly what we want, making ourselves accountable
for the path we have taken toward the fulfillment
of the goals we have set for ourselves and by showing
a willingness and capability to adjust to changes
as they unfold during the process.
Know what you want, choose a path
to get it, and be prepared to adjust.
I have found that it tends to be the most competent
negotiators who look for ways to become even better
than they already are. On the other hand, too
many people are simply content to look for reinforcing
data that justifies the actions and behaviors they
have already decided to take.
There's no limit to the
creativity a person will find to justify his own
past actions.
While it is natural that we should be more committed
to the pursuit of our own interests than we are committed
to the fulfillment of the interests of anyone else
we often seem surprised, even feel betrayed, when
we sense that others are not so committed to our
fulfillment as they are to their own.
Most of us were taught that we should not be selfish
yet one of the most obvious things we discover in
life is that negotiations - whether over the price
of a car; delivery terms on a shipment of raw materials;
who should mow the lawn; where to vacation or who
should apologize for a disrespectful exchange at
the dinner table or office water cooler - bring
us into contact with someone we feel is more self-centered
than we would like them to be.
While it may be true that the other person is more
self-centered than is good for you or even for him/herself,
there's a pretty good chance that the other
party - the one we perceive to be selfish - is
sitting across from us seeing us as the selfish one.
Creating a mirror of another
person's
bad behavior
Is a lousy way to teach them a lesson.
©2006 Mark Neely
Seminars
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